Mary Alice Pritchard’s Blog

Lizzie here! Today was a stressful day for all us cats. The neighbor’s new puppy decided to visit! We tolerate the Mistress’s dog. This puppy though….he obviously doesn’t know the proper rules and regulations to be followed when cats are your neighbor! He just waltzed right over and started sniffing EVERYTHING. He even peed on a few things! It was horrible to watch our home being defiled by this creature. But that wasn’t the end of it, no! This puppy decided he wanted to play and make friends. With us. Cats. What is wrong with this thing!? He chased every one of us cats trying to sniff us and play tag. We cats only play tag with each other! Poor Molly was so scared when it came after him. He managed to get on the very top of the truck to safety just in time. Little Bit tried to stand his ground and be brave, but when the puppy just ignored his posturing, Little Bit turned tail and ran into the office. Julie was already safe inside, but Huey was taking a nap when the puppy came up to her. She jumped up with a startled hiss that made the puppy back up a bit, but then he was right back in her face! What kind of dumb dog gets in a cat’s face after it hisses? That’s just asking for it! Huey ran in the office and swatted at the puppy when it tried to follow. Tipsy obviously saw this nasty monster coming and was already safely hidden somewhere. That left me. The puppy tried to come over to me but I was having none of that! I gave him a nice, big hiss with plenty of teeth to show him I meant business and I puffed up my fur so I was twice my normal size for intimidation. The stupid puppy ignored all these warnings and continued my way, wagging it’s tail like I was a great new friend. I joined Molly on the truck top and together we watched until the neighbor finally called in it’s wandering menace. A whole day was wasted trying to avoid that thing! I could’ve chased a few squirrels, caught a bird, stalked some mice, and gotten a few nice catnaps in if it wasn’t for it! We cats complained to the Mistress, and she’s going to talk to the neighbor about keeping it’s monstrosity in their yard instead of ours. Now I’m going to go find the old folks and insist upon a brushing to help settle my nerves…..Later!

Lizzie here with some exciting news! The Mistress has a new book out! It’s called “Mirror, Mirror” and it came out April 12th! Aren’t you excited!? WELL!?!? What are you sitting there for, still reading my post? Go get it! I already have my paws on a copy, aren’t you jealous? Green with envy? Well HA. That’s what you get for just sitting there. The Mistress is excited about the new book, too, of course. Unfortunately, she can’t really sing and dance about it right now. She’s sick. We cats have been trying to entertain her and make her smile a lot. Little Bit and I even sat in a chair together and looked cute for her. It was horrible to endure, but we made her go “aww” and smile so it was worth it. You know what would really make the Mistress happy and make her smile really big? If you guys would show your support for her and buy her new book! Go do it! I’m off to read my copy right now. Lizzie out.

Lizzie at the keyboard! Thought I’d try a new entrance haha. It’s been crazy busy around here lately. The Mistress and her assistant have been running around a lot and gathering things like they’re going to be going somewhere soon…..I haven’t heard anything about a trip. I think the house cat Dippity would know, but he’s too uppity to tell any of us outside/office cats anything. He’ll just say “If you don’t know, then you aren’t to know. Those in the know already know anyhow, so you aren’t in the know and thus you must not ask for you will not know.” or something like that. He says a lot of things like that…it’s kind of hard to understand. Little Bit says he doesn’t know what’s going on either. I think he’s disappointed that he doesn’t know, since he likes to know everything that goes on around here. The only other cat I know that would know what the Mistress is up to is Tipsy, but she’s so crazy and paranoid I doubt anything she said would make sense, or she’d think we were trying to steal from her knowledge or something crazy weird like that. I guess my only option is to snoop around the Mistress’ computer and see if I can find anything…and if I can get into the house, I can snoop in her bedroom too….looks like I have some work ahead of me! Later guys!

Lizzie here! Today was a wonderful day- sunshine, a slight breeze, plenty of birds and bugs to chase….I was enjoying a cricket chase- one of the best spring-time bug chases you’ll ever have! Have you ever chased a cricket? It’s so much fun! They jump off like they’ll actually escape from you! Haha! Silly crickets….nothing escapes from Master Chaser Lizzie! Anyway, I was having a great cricket chase, when suddenly the afternoon sun disappeared, replaced by dark clouds, rain, and thunder! Cats and rain do NOT mix! At least with this cat….I hear some cats like water….they’re insane! Water is terrible! Thunder is even worse! Thunder scares me….I hid under the storage shed until the rain died down long enough for the Mistress to rescue me. It was not a fun wait. It was raining so hard the rain sounded almost like thunder itself! I heard the Mistress say it’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow….that means all us cats will be stuck in the office together ALL DAY while it thunders and rains outside. Tomorrow is going to be horrible….I’m going to go claim my spot for tomorrow. Until next time!

Lizzie here! I had the most horrifying experience the other day! It was truly terrifying! The other cats experienced the same, but I’m telling the story and I’m the most important so they don’t matter….

Little Bit taking over. I think we should each get the chance to tell our own side of the story, just to be fair, Lizzie. YOU aren’t the most important cat here anyway- I am! As such, I say we each tell our side. I will go first….

Little Bit’s Story: It was a day much like any other, with the sun shining and the birds chirping, and the other cats jumping to my every command…I was enjoying my catnap on the front of the truck, one of my many sun spots, when a light breeze blew and carried with it the scent of fresh pound cake…I dozed off with the delicious scent in my nose, and dreamed of pound cake houses….then suddenly I woke to being swept off the truck by a huge gust of wind! I landed on my paws, of course, as any cat would, and started helping the other cats to the office immediately. I helped each withstand the wind and pushed them to safety….

Liar! Lizzie here once more! I will tell MY version of the story, which will shed light on the lies within Little Bit’s tale!

Lizzie’s Story: It all started that day with a small breeze. I was stalking a bird, completely engrossed in my task, when the breeze floated by. I froze, waiting to see if the breeze would take my scent to the bird, but it remained oblivious, hopping about and searching for something on the ground. As I stalked closer and got ready to pounce, I was blown over by the biggest gust of wind I’ve ever felt! The bird was swept away, and I crouched close to the ground with my claws digging into the dirt for extra grip. Looking around, I saw Little Bit had also been hit by the wind, and had been knocked off his perch on the truck. He scrambled on the ground madly, searching for a safe spot, and found a small space by the front tire blocked most of the wind. He glanced around wildly, his fur standing on end, just as mine was. Suddenly, there was a break in the wind. Little Bit and I dashed for the office door, with Little Bit yowling in fear the entire time. I was mew-less in fear, praying we would make it before the evil wind started up again. We made it halfway to the door when the wind kicked up once more. Still we ran for the door, being knocked this way and that, in some sort of zigzag dance created by the master choreographer, the wind….Finally we made it to the stairs. I bounded up them, only to be blown into the railing. My fear intensified by the thought of being blown away from the door, and from safety, I gathered my strength and threw myself into the office. Little Bit was already there, hiding under the table, his eyes still huge in terror. Huey and Julie hadn’t been outside, but I could smell their fear wafting out from behind the door as they sensed Little Bit’s fear and my own. I went to my spot on the bookshelf and curled up, and wondered how the other cats faired….

I was not afraid, Lizzie!

Were too, Little Bit! Now shush, it’s Molly’s turn. You were the one who decided we’d do this!

Molly’s Story: I was enjoying myself, sitting in a sun spot, I think, on that day. Enjoying the sun, and the beauty of the day…the little birds chirping, squirrels chattering, the sweet scent of pound cake on the breeze….then next thing I knew I was flat on my back being rolled about the yard by a horrible wind! I didn’t know what to do! I was so scared! Which way was which?! When the wind stopped batting me around, I jumped up and ran forward. Only, I went the wrong way, see….I turned back toward the office, but it was so far away…the wind hit me again before I got halfway there, and then everything was spinning again….then suddenly something hard hit me and knocked me to my paws. Tipsy came out of nowhere, and she didn’t seem to have any trouble with the wind! I tried to do what she did, and crouched low to the ground as I ran. I tripped a few times, but finally made it to the office. It looked like I was the last to get inside, but everyone was there, and everyone was very scared, which made me feel better cuz I wasn’t the only one afraid. I was glad everyone was safe, but after being so scared like that, I really needed to pee so I didn’t stop to say hi to anyone, and went straight to go pee. I felt so much better after I–

No one needs to know such information, nimrod. That’s classified that is. Personal info that must remain personal to the one it pertains to. It’s my turn now. Tipsy reporting in!

Tipsy’s Story: This day was no ordinary day! I, Tipsy, had discovered an odd scent in the outdoor cat tower! I was tracking down the trespasser with my incredible hunting skills and clever mind. I was nearing the offending creature’s lair, when I sensed a change in the weather. I looked beyond our land and watched as a breeze went through the trees, and then changed into something else. The trees began to bend as if under tremendous pressure. Doing a quick reconnaissance of the situation, I concluded I would not have time to make it to the Office before the colossal wind reached my position. I realized at once what I had to do. My training had prepared me for such an occassion. I would survive! I abandoned my previous mission (vowing to return once the land was safe to walk again) and tore towards the office, my paws flying across the grass and my body crouched low to the ground, to prevent the wind from getting enough purchase on me to knock me off my paws. As I neared the office, I saw the giant orange buffoon Molly being tossed around like a cat toy. The fool had obviously been caught by surprise- he’d probably been staring off into space in his own little world as per usual! I made a snap decision as he rolled through my path, and barreled into his orange, fluffy poof of a self and knocked him to his paws. I continued on, with Molly clumsily following behind. The wind tried it’s best to throw me to the ground, but my training paid off! I shot into the office, almost colliding with a curious Huey, with Molly not too far behind. Not bad for one with no training or skill. I retired to my secret spot to wait out the wind, so I could once more return to my previous mission, and punish that trespasser….

Huey and Julie’s Story: Our day started out normal, nothing unusual. Huey and I were curled up together in the bookshelf, napping, when a frightened Little Bit flew into the office. It startled me, and I immediately backed into the corner to avoid the terrified cat. Huey took a protective stance and shielded me, as Lizzie crashed into the office as well. Both cats reeked of fear, and I began to be afraid as well. Huey went to the doorway and peeked out, almost being bowled over by Tipsy and Molly as they shot into the office as well. -Almost took me out, they did! Rotten little snots! How dare they! I’ll bite them next time they try it!- Molly disappeared, but later came back and began mewing about how terrible the wind was. I was glad we were inside and safe, but I sort of wished the other cats had found safety elsewhere, away from me….

Dippity’s Story: That day found me observing the other cats in their daily routines. It has become a sort of habit of mine, as I refuse to partake in their outdoor shinanigans, to simply observe. I was watching the bossy, nosy Lizzie, as she stalked her choice prey with utter precision, then turned my gaze to the paranoid spy-like Tipsy, who was likewise stalking prey. As I watched, she suddenly froze and looked out to the trees. I followed her intense stare and saw the trees bowing, as if some royalty was present. I fancied they were bowing to me, then noticed Tipsy had began streaking toward the office, running as if some demon were hot on her tail. I looked to the others and saw Molly being tossed about like a ragdoll (the toy, of course, not the cat!), fool cat, and deduced a massive wind must be the cause, which explained the trees and why Tipsy was careening towards the office. I looked just in time to see the wind hit Lizzie, who was knocked over by the force of the wind, and Little Bit, who was thrown off the Grandfather’s truck. Each cat struggled to reach the safety of the office, while I remained safe in the house, a watcher, observer to it all. I watched them all in, then jumped down from my window to tell the Mistress of the occurance.

Lizzie here again. You see what I mean?! It was a very distressing situation! Absolutely terrifying! I hope we never have such weather again! Hope everyone had an easier time of it than we did! Until next time!

Tipsy reporting in! Lately there has been mass khaos amongst us cats! This beverage known as “koffee” has been wrecking havoc! The mistress has recently developed an addiction to this “koffee” and it seems the other cats have developed an addiction as well. I’m concerned this will have very adverse effects upon our coven! There has been many a fight over this strong-smelling creamy liquid. I have yet to understand what the khaos is about. I have avoided this evil substance thus far. Once again, I alone remain strong while the others fall into temptation and ruin. This epidemic will not stain me! I will remain pure! I worry though, about the world outside our coven. Have they fallen under the spell of “koffee” too? Am I the only one left untouched by this disease? I cannot know for sure just now, but I will delve deeper into this conundrum. Once I find out the reach of this infection, I will search for other survivors and work on a cure. Do not worry! I will find the answers! I will use this blog to document my research and…………………………….

Lizzie here! Sorry about Tipsy. I don’t know HOW she got in here. She’s crazy. Koffee is awesome. She’d know that if she actually tried it instead of running away screeching about a koffee cult determined to overtake the world. Just ignore her and you’ll be fine. We all do. Now, on to more important matters. Where’s my koffee?

I am Dippity. Dippity Doo. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I have commandeered the Mistress’s laptop to alert you to a most pressing situation. It is most distressing. What do I speak of, you ask? I am speaking of the Michi bags of course! The Mistress’s obsession with them is getting quite out of hand. It’s encroaching upon my territory! This is NOT acceptable! These heinous bags cover my precious all-important catnap spaces! I cannot get my beauty rest if my catnap spots are covered over by…by…by these fancy abominations! It’s causing unneccessary strain and anxiety for me and that is intolerable! These atrocities are EVERYWHERE! Granted, the bags they come in and the paper that accompanies them do give me some amusement, but this invasion must still be stopped! This craze has to end! It’s making me irrational and senseless! It’s utterly ridiculous! If I was in my right mind, I would’ve requested a servant to type this for me, yet here I am, at the keyboard, typing my own….what is this…a diary entry? Nay, what is the online diary entry called….ah yes, a blog. I am typing my own blog entry- how appalling. However, I find this…blog…a very nice opportunity to vent. Yes, yes, I quite like this venting…perhaps I might venture this again. With a proper servant typing for me of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must find someone adequate to type my blogs henceforth. Good night to all.

Lizzie here! I’ve had the most awful week, thanks to all this nasty weather! First, it gets colder outside. My favorite sun spots in the yard just aren’t warm enough with the wind combing it’s cold fingers through my fur. For some reason, the mistress won’t bring the heaters outside, either. What’s the point in having the heaters inside, when I’m sitting OUTside? Little Bit said maybe it was because it was supposed to rain later, but I don’t see why rain would have anything to do with heaters not being put outside. It’s not like the heaters will do anything to the rain. Little Bit was right about the rain coming later, though. It rained for two days! It was horrible- we cats were stuck in the office together the whole time! Little Bit hogged the blankets and heater by the washer and dryer, which is MY spot. Then Molly kept getting in my way every time I tried to find a different warm spot- I think he was trying to get to my next warm spot before me. I always chased him off though, so HA! Julie and Huey got the floor vent by the door, so I was stuck sharing the heater by the table with Tipsy, who decided to tell me all about how the squirrels were planning to take all our food and take our places as the mistress’ muses. That cat is so paranoid. After it stopped raining it felt so good to be allowed back outside again- the outside world smelled so wonderful! Unfortunately the rain left a few surprises behind. As per usual, I went to jump into one of the lawn chairs to take myself a nice cat nap and soak up some warmth. Instead, I got a fur-ful of cold rain water. Little Bit thought it was hysterical and laughed at me all day. He kept teasing me about it so I decided to treat him to a cold bath of his own. There was a nice, deep mud puddle in the backyard, hidden by some tall grass. I had the perfect revenge plan too- I was going to pretend to hear something behind the tall grass, then tell the others that I heard a mouse and that it was mine, and Little Bit, like always, would run to get it before me, and then SPLASH! Into the mud puddle he goes! It was perfect! Except Little Bit didn’t show any interest in the “mouse” I had claimed! My next plan was flawless though- I would ask Little Bit to come with me to inspect something, and tell him it was a potential danger to the mistress. When we got to the tall grass, I’d say “What was that!?” and while he was distracted, I’d shove him into the puddle! A fail-proof plan- it should’ve gone off without a hitch. Key word: should’ve. Just like my first plan, all was going well at first. When I delivered my line, I even froze and pretended to glance around. Then suddenly I was flying through the tall grass and straight into the mud puddle. Little Bit knew from the start what I was up to, and had tricked me with my own trap! My beautiful fur was covered in nasty mud, and I was freezing from the cold water. The mistress was not happy when she saw me, and I had to have the most terrible thing done- I had to take a bath! There was water everywhere. By the time I was finally clean, the mistress and I were soaked, and I had obtained a nice fear of bathrooms. I tell you, there’s no coming back from something like that. How humans can stand taking baths in all that wet water….ugh! But my horrible experience with water and cold wasn’t over yet. That night the weather got even colder. There was frost everywhere the next morning. The office heat wasn’t working, and the heaters hadn’t been turned on for the day yet, so I was anxious to get outside and find a sunny patch to warm myself. I scooted out the door as soon as it cracked open, and shot down the stairs. Or I attempted to. I skidded and went sailing off the stairs! It scared me so bad. Apparently the water on the stairway had frozen overnight. Everyone thought it was funny, but I certainly didn’t! It was very undignified, and highly embarrassing! I can NOT wait for this evil weather to go away! I need warmth, and dry land. Maybe the mistress will build me a beach in the backyard, with heaters and warm lamps to simulate the sun and it’s warmth! That’s a great idea! I’m going to go tell the mistress now! Bye!

Lizzie here! Whew, Christmas was fun! So much paper and ribbons! Even more fun than when we helped the mistress wrap presents! There was paper and ribbon flying every where as the presents were torn open- I, of course, was smack in the middle of it all, batting paper wads out of the air and burying already-opened presents under the shredded wrapping paper. Afterwards, the living room looked like a big cemetary for torn paper and ribbons- it was a blast! We cats stalked each other from under the paper and chased ribbons through the paper….I scared Little Bit really bad when I shot out from under some paper and pounced on his back then ran away- he was so focused on his little ribbon he had no clue I was nearby! Molly dragged paper behind him cuz it stuck to his fluffy tail, which was fun to attack, though I don’t think he liked it when we did. It was really sad when the mistress cleaned it all up though…she took every single scrap of paper and ribbon- she didn’t leave any behind for us cats! Then a few days later she even put up the tree….and the ornaments! I decided to ignore her for a bit after that as punishment for taking all our fun away. Then New Years happened- that was very scary! So many loud noises and odd bright lights! We cats spent most of the night hiding. I don’t know what the fun is in blasting loud sparkly lights out of a cardboard tube….just put glitter in a tube and blow it out! It’s much more quiet, and way more fun! Plus, I can roll in the glitter and make my luxurious fur even more gorgeous! Needless to say, New Years was not as fun as Christmas. At all. I think I’m going to go find some glitter to play with- there has to be some somewhere! Later!

Hey guys! Lizzie here! There are only 5 days left until Christmas and the mistress has been super busy decorating the house and the Christmas tree, as well as wrapping presents. We cats have been pretty busy ourselves though- no idle paws here! We’ve been helping the mistress get ready for Christmas. Little Bit brought the mistress a mouse he caught to put on the tree, but for some reason the mistress refused to put it on the tree, so Little Bit pouted under the tree for a while. He had to move once the mistress started putting presents under there. He grumbled at first, but the mistress gave him a wad of wrapping paper to play with so he was okay after that. Molly got in trouble not too long after, and almost got me in trouble too. The ornaments on the tree are so shiny and tempting we just had to go after them! We would’ve continued to bat at them if Molly hadn’t knocked a few off and made them shatter- the mistress was furious! Thankfully she didn’t see me playing with them on the other side of the tree, so only Molly got in trouble. Tipsy tries to climb the tree a lot, but the mistress always catches her before she gets too far. Tipsy complains that she’s compromising the safety of Christmas by denying her the tree as a guard command center. I hope she doesn’t chase Santa away- I want my presents! Julie is no fun right now. She just gets in the way because she can’t see very well and ends up right where she shouldn’t be. Julie got too close to Little Bit while he was playing with some wrapping paper once, and she almost got bit except Huey made Little Bit back off. It was almost a disaster, but the mistress put Julie in a chair by the fire after that. Huey got in the chair with her and they fell asleep together. They’re still sleeping now. Dippity and I have been helping with the present wrapping. The bows are so much fun! The paper isn’t as much fun as the bows and ribbons, but it’s still pretty fun- me and Dippity love the way it crinkles and rattles when we walk on it, and it’s so much fun to attack it when it moves! We would jump on it and play with it, then the mistress would make a funny noise and chase us away and then we’d start again- we love playing that game! I think the mistress got tired of it though, because she gave us both wads of wrapping paper and a couple of bows and ribbons to play with and took her wrapping stuff and the presents to the back room and shut the door. Dippity mangled his bows and ribbons right off the bat without playing with them- what a waste! The best way to play with the bows is to pounce them like a mouse, throw them in the air, bat at them, and chase them! The wrapping paper wads are good for that too, but I find the bows are easier to grab with my teeth since they aren’t as big as the wrapping paper wads. I played with my wad of wrapping paper for a bit, but it ended up in the tree. After what happened with Tipsy, and what happend with Molly and the ornaments, I wasn’t going to risk going after it. Besides, I had the best toys to play with still- my bows! I stalked them from across the room, and ran and pounced them! I flung them in the air and caught them, then rolled on my back and gave them a thorough attacking with my teeth and back claws. After a while I noticed there was something annoying in my fur on the back of my neck. It made me crouch down and squirm because it felt so uncomfortable. Whatever it was, it wasn’t supposed to be on the back of my neck! I rolled around and tried to get it off, but it wouldn’t come off. Then a new uncomfortable, annoying thing was stuck on my tail and my head! I whipped around and discovered one of my bows stuck to my tail- I chomped on it and pulled it off, losing a nice bit of fur along with it. That made me mad. I started trying to scrub the others off, but when I felt them pulling my fur out I stopped. I decided it was time to get the mistress to help, and stalked off to go find her. Just as I was about to start up a string of pitiful “help me” meows, I caught sight of something moving at the end of the hallway. I froze and stared at it. It was a cat! I crept closer, raising my fur and growling low, warning it to leave, but it kept coming closer and closer. As I watched, I noticed something odd about the cat- there was something on it’s head and neck. That’s when I remembered the big mirror the mistress put at the end of the hallway- I was staring at me! I looked closer, and studied my reflection. My beautiful green eyes stared back at me as I inspected myself- my glorious, soft fur was illuminated by the light from above, and looked pretty darn fantastic if I do say so myself! Then I peered at the bows. They were shiny and purple, and went well with my orange tabby splotches. I decided I looked very stunning, not that I ever don’t look stunning, with these new additions. I strutted around in front of the mirror, enjoying my new accessories, when the mistress came out of the back room and saw me. I ran up to her and purred, rubbing against her legs and showing off my fabulous bows. Then the mistress did something absolutely appalling- she took my bows off! She pulled them right off, along with some of my fur, and said “Poor Lizzie I bet those bows really bothered you. They’re all gone now so you’ll be okay.” I was certainly NOT okay! My wonderous bows, taken from me! But she wasn’t done there- she rounded up all the other bows and put them away! I’m still mad even now! I can’t get to the bows anymore, so now I’m stuck with just my plain dazzling self, with no glamorous bows to accentuate my stunning fur! Wait, what’s that? There’s something shiny in the corner…..SHE MISSED ONE! I MUST HAVE IT! Bye guys, I have a bow to claim! Merry Christmas!